Polysaturation and the Parable of the Tribble
Or: How to Tell When It’s Time to Stop Seeking New Romantic Relationships When You’re Polyamorous
As a mental health professional during the Covid-19 pandemic, I was witness to many subtle psychological trends in the people I talked to. For one week, people had a lot of thoughts about ‘Tiger King’. Much further in, there was a week where multiple people detailed their fears that Elon Musk was going to leave the Earth in a rocket and that those left behind would be doomed*. There were a few months when I was hearing a lot about breakups, and about a year into the pandemic I started talking to people who were considering consensual non-monogamy for the first time. As these ‘polyamory rookies’ started to ‘hit the apps’, unexpected and tender questions about navigating multiple relationships would pop into our sessions.
For instance: “When should you stop going on first dates?”
When you’re raised in a culture where monogamy is the only ethical option, this is an easy question: You stop dating when you find “the one”. You accept that not dating to look for “the one” or continuing to date after finding “the one” is ‘bad’. You focus all of your romantic energy on one person, and if that relationship end you find one other person to focus on.
If you don’t believe in “the one” (or believe in multiple “ones”, or believe that continuing to date after finding “the one” with knowledge and consent from all parties works well for you), there isn’t really a guideline on how many people to date at once. So if you think it’s more romantic to seek relationships that ‘enhance’ your life instead of ‘complete’ it, how do you judge that you have ‘enough’?
Which brings me to the Parable of The Tribble.
Let’s pretend that your whole life you’ve been told you’re only allowed one pet at a time. Only one goldfish or cat or iguana living with you, no matter what. You’re a real animal lover, and you would be interested in having more than one at a time. You read about it. You fantasize about it. You think it might feel good to have pets at different life stages. Maybe having more than one pet would give you a sense of family that having one does not. Maybe you would find two pets that can also be companions for each other, not just you.
And then, one day, a guy in a bar hands you a Tribble**. And without much thought or warning, you are overwhelmed with warm furry creatures taking up all the space in your life.
I’m not here to tell you that having a lot of partners when you’re newly consensually non-monogamous is a normal event. Nor should one expect this to happen. It can be very hard to find people you want to date and who want to date you.
But the thing is, it does happen. I have seen newly polyamorous people get into multiple relationships very quickly. At first, it is like the first few hours of having multiple Tribbles - full of feelings of joy and pleasure. But often, after this glow wears off people can start to feel overwhelmed with the resources and care required for multiple romantic relationships happening simultaneously. You might come to realize that you cannot possibly add another relationship, or that you might be in too many relationships for your own good.
There’s an actually word for this feeling in consensual non-monogamy: Polysaturated.
Like many things to do with polyamory, this term is relatively young. As far as I can tell, it was coined in an article about polyamory in the last 20 years. I first heard this word used sometime in the early 2010s, and have heard people use it to describe a pleasant or unpleasant feeling when it comes to the relationships they are balancing***. In terms of food, for some people feeling polysaturated is like feeling ‘full’ and for some it’s like feeling ‘stuffed’.
But do you need to wait to the point of polysaturation to stop looking? What if you’re just content and happy?
The honest truth about when you should stop looking for new partners as a non-monogamous person is that you should stop when you feel like stopping. Time is the real currency of non-monogamous relationships, and there’s no way to make more time. You have to work with what you’ve got. If you feel ‘full’, even with one partner or no partners, you can stop dating. And just monogamous people, you’re allowed to be linked to no one and still call yourself polyamorous.
So if you’re out there dating, and life suddenly gives you more romantic attention than you can manage, remember the Parable of the Tribble. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed by a wonderful thing. Know your limits. And if things get really out of control, it’s ok to take some time for yourself by lovingly transporting those wonderful Tribbles out of your life.
Space is infinite. Love is infinite. Time is not.
ADDITIONAL AUTHOR NOTES:
* Personal Opinion: I’ll believe that Elon Musk would actually leave Earth only if it turns out the Moon is made of horse tranquilizers. Then, and only then, would he go.
** If you are not familiar with Tribbles, here is a basic rundown. They were introduced in a 1967 episode of Star Trek. They look like acorn squash covered in fur. They are soft and make purring noises that are comforting to humans. They hate Klingons and scream if they sense one. They are rapid breeders, supposedly born already pregnant. You can buy replicas that can purr or scream, according to preference.
*** In editing this article I also thought about the comedian Jim Gaffigan. Although decidedly monogamous, his comedy around raising children sometimes reminds me of polysaturation. Great line: “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”